Saturday Afternoon, Quietly Looking Inward
I like weekends with no plans. Most of those quiet weekends, I become one with my bed, enjoying laziness by repeatedly watching dramas and falling asleep. At the same time, I also feel guilty for doing nothing. Like the title of a certain book, is it really okay to do nothing? While I feel relieved that nothing is happening right now, I can’t completely shake off the feeling that I’m committing a sin against my future self. Still, the fact that I’m scribbling this post on my blog today brings me great comfort.
When I listen to music at home, I often enjoy YouTube playlists. As I choose and listen to playlists curated by strangers, I feel that there are many people in the world besides me who truly love music and live leaning on emotion and romance. Today, it’s Baek Yerin. Listening to her calm and dreamy voice, I feel like I’ve become quite a mysterious and charming person myself, and my mood deepens. For some reason, today I wanted to write something rambling about how I feel about myself these days.
It wasn’t a job I started because I wanted to. Although I wasn’t outstanding, I moved quite diligently compared to others and got a job at an early age. Actually, I was captivated by an intangible romance and wanted to work in the advertising industry, but somehow I ended up working in sales and as an online MD at an e-commerce company. As I diligently and frantically carried out my daily tasks, by last fall, I had been promoted to assistant manager and had somehow become a 5th-year office worker. Even though it wasn’t a field I was interested in, it’s fun, seems to suit my aptitude well, and thankfully, I’m having a pretty decent work life.
But at some point, I strangely kept feeling like something was empty. Besides my work life, I draw, exercise, participate in an orchestra, and meet good people, so my daily life is full, but it felt like there was a hole in my heart. The thought that I both knew and didn’t know the identity of that hole often overwhelmed me, but I ignored it. I made excuses that my current daily life was busy, tiring, and overflowing enough, and I didn’t properly look into that hole. I had neglected it.
Suddenly, I decided that I needed to take care of that hole. That’s also why I started this blog. I honestly don’t really know how the hole can be filled. Perhaps I might live with it wide open forever. Still, if I acknowledge that there’s a hole, look into it, and try to fill it with various things, won’t I become a little better? Let’s try it, unhurriedly and patiently.