Letting Go of Delusions, Inner Monologue, and Haunting Gazes

I do Pilates.

I started in May 2019 and went casually for about a year. Then, last September, I decided to get serious and now go three times a week. It’s been seven months since I started consistently and diligently. I’ve never exercised so regularly in my life, but thanks to COVID-19 and working from home, I’m having a rare experience.

The reasons why Pilates is good are:

that it stretches and strengthens every corner of muscles that are usually unused and stiff,

that the back pain, which used to flare up and ache with just a little stress, disappears,

that it corrects posture by straightening the back, engaging the core, and extending the arms and legs straight. Besides these various benefits, there’s a separate reason why I truly came to love Pilates.

From last autumn until late winter this year, there was a change in my relatively calm daily life.

It was a change that was new and exciting, yet also frightening.

I tend to be challenging and maintain my center well without being greatly shaken by changes related to work or environment, but changes involving people are truly difficult. For me, someone who is equipped with the default setting of presenting solutions while excluding emotions as much as possible when facing an event, forming a relationship with someone is the ultimate challenge. It’s not a matter that ends cleanly with a single solution, but a relationship that requires consistently nurturing each other’s feelings, a process where a new task to solve appears each day as we get to know each other better. As difficult as it was, I also received the gift of good feelings, but moments where I had to swallow opposing emotions were unavoidable.

I let down my guard and embraced someone, but they often disappeared before long. In this repetitive process, my heart swelled and then deflated, becoming increasingly worn out. As I wavered through immeasurable emotional changes, I needed something regular to steady myself.

That was Pilates.

I healed my tangled heart, caught in an emotional whirlwind the night before, through Pilates.

Stretching not only loosened my stiff body but also untangled my chaotic mind, one by one.

With regular inhales and exhales, I emptied out the chaotic accumulation within my mind.

A time to care for my body and mind,

Even amidst people coming and going, and fluctuating emotional changes,

A training to accept them firmly without fear,

While sweating and exercising, I shed the delusions, inner monologues, and haunting gazes that tormented me.