Embracing What I Love

On Monday evening, my family gathered for a meal for the first time in a month since Chuseok. We ate seasonal sashimi and market fried chicken, shared pleasant conversation, and then parted ways.

The next evening, my dad called.

He said I seemed to have lost a lot of weight and called to tell me not to stress too much and to live happily.

Dad, I’m at my heaviest weight ever these days, I’m scared to even step on the scale.

Lately, I’ve been living a life where I surrender my body to primal desires, being very generous with food, drinks, and sleep.

Lethargy, rock-bottom self-esteem, fatigue that won’t wash away even with excessive sleep beyond what’s sufficient, and something between whining and irritability that barely bothers my husband. It’s a good thing he’s kind. Even a single line from a melancholic song makes tears well up. And that’s while working out at the gym.

It seems my dad noticed that.

What could be the problem?

I seriously pondered why I frequently feel so awful, despite having the early days of newlywed life where we’d kiss at every opportunity and be all over each other, having quit the job I so desired, and having a cozy, tidy home, and family and friends who support me.

Looking back,

Since the start of this year, I haven’t been doing the things I love as much as before. My personal time, filled with things I enjoy, had significantly disappeared.

Between intense studies, wedding preparations, and new family life, I was being pulled in every direction, barely getting through each day by just handling the tasks that needed to be done.

Reading and writing, which I love,

Listening to music and contemplating, or just zoning out.

These two things had vanished from my daily life without a trace.

Exhausted by countless tasks and emotions, and with my feelings all crumpled up, I just kept pushing through, living for tomorrow without ever properly smoothing them out.

It’s a relief to have found the cause. Typical ‘T’ thinking.

Now, I’ve decided to embrace what I love again.

So, I’m writing this.

Instead of photo-centric posts mixed with emojis and short, simple words, I’m writing down thoughts and words refined through contemplation.

Now, if I do what I love, I’ll probably sleep less and lose weight, right?!!

#epilogue

“The balsam flower is smiling, isn’t it?”

“Oppa, that’s a trumpet creeper.”